Health & Safety

Q: I'm still depressed that my children have moved away. When will I get over it?

A: After two decades of checking homework and shuttling kids to Little League, your crowded nest is suddenly... empty. The upside? Eventually you'll remember how nice it was to have a quiet afternoon all to yourself.

The therapist says:
"When you consider how much love, time and energy we put into raising our children, the loss we experience when they leave is only natural. Not only do Moms lose their role as caregivers, there is the loss of the grown child's physical presence in the house. Much in the way of a death, there are many secondary losses that parents must deal with when children leave home. There is less laundry to do, one less person to shop and cook for, one less car to shuffle in the driveway. These changes may sound like a welcome respite, and eventually they may be. However, initially they are daily reminders of the physical loss of our child's presence at home, and of the end of a very special time in our lives."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Will it ever get easier?
The good news is we eventually adjust. It could take a few weeks to feel better or as long as a month. Just remember: Go easy on yourself. Realize that you are grieving the loss of a way of life, and you miss your child. These feelings are perfectly okay and necessary for you to work through in order to resolve them. It can feel very sad, but eventually it will improve. However, if the feelings are very intense or go on unabated for much more than month, some counseling may be in order to help you resolve any issues that this change may have triggered. Either way take heart, this too shall pass.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "When my son moved out, I spent weeks moping around. After all, I'd been a stay-at-home mom all these years, what was I going to do with myself now? But then I made a list of all the things I'd been wanting to do but always felt too selfish to - take a class, try Pilates, travel. Suddenly, this new chapter of my life was exciting instead of depressing!" says Karen, Mom of one.

Other Moms say:

• After the shock wears off, you'll embrace the freedom.
• I call my daughter at least once a day to check in and stay connected. Just hearing her voice makes me feel better.
• Whatever you do, just don't become a helicopter mom!

Q: How can I stop my son's underage drinking at frat parties?

A: College and frat parties often go hand in hand, but when your kid is sleeping off his hangover rather than hitting the books, it's time to step in.

The parenting expert says:
"Inside every person is the urge to be one's best self. You can tap into that desire if you influence your child's values rather than control her behavior."
--Learning and behavior specialist Noel Janis-Norton, founder and director of The New Learning Centre in London, is a learning and behavior specialist with over 30 years' experience in Britain and the United States.

Why do teens drink?
Kids drink for different reasons. First find out why your son drinks. Here are some common culprits:

• Peer pressure: Some young people drink to buy friendship and acceptance.
• The thrill seeker: Some are seeking excitement or attracted to high-risk activities.
• Revenge: Sometimes teens drink to get back at their parents.
• Pleasure driven: When kids are used to getting too much too easily without having to earn it, they become obsessed with pleasure.

Here are some tips:

• Notice the little things: Instead of only talking about what he's doing wrong, notice what he does right like put the dishes away or call when he said he would. You're telling him that you notice the good stuff, too.
• Be a role model: It's important that young people have one-to-one time with their parents, even as teenagers. So make time for your son.
• Stop the lectures: As tempting as nagging might be, it's not very effective. Try reflective listening. Imagine what your son is feeling and reflect that back. You could say, "Maybe you're worried that you're not going to get good enough grades."
• Cut off the cash: If you're supporting your son in college, you're subsidizing his drinking. Give money for the essentials only. Any extra money he has to earn - by being civil and friendly, by doing his coursework, by calling regularly.
• Have clear values: Clarify what your values are about underage drinking and then sit down with your son and tell him your expectations.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "Google 'Jane Hambleton.' She sold her kid's car after he was caught with alcohol in the vehicle. She's my hero!" says Kim, Mom of two.

Other Moms say:

• Make your son bookmark MyDeathSpace.com, a site that features young people who've died along with links to their MySpace pages. Many die from alcohol-related injuries. That will hopefully scare him straight.
• How to stop him from drinking? I hate to break it to you, but you can't! All you can do is raise kids right and hope that the lessons stick.

Eating & Sleeping

Q: My kid came home from college and slept the entire weekend. Should I be worried about his health? How can I get him to participate in the family?

A: Sleep is a good thing, but when it becomes too much of one, it could be a sign of a larger problem.

The sleep expert says:
"Excessive sleep could be just sheer exhaustion or it could be a cause of a more serious problem. See if he'll open up to you. Let him know that you miss him while he's away and you'd like to spend quality time with him while he's home. Invite him to talk about his fatigue and let him know you care. Depending upon what you find out, you might need to seek some professional help or he might just need a good night of shut-eye."
--Jill Spivack, MSW and author of "The Sleepeasy Solution," is a psychotherapist and co-founder of Sleepy Planet, where she provides pediatric sleep consultations, leads general parenting groups for first and second time mothers.

The Sleepiness Checklist:
If your child seems unusually tired, there could be many culprits. First find the cause.

• Did he just complete a round of "all-nighters" studying for exams? If so, not to worry. He may simply be catching up on some much-needed zzz's.
• Is your child happy at school or does he seem down? Does he have any history of depression? If so, sleeping through the weekend may be a symptom of some underlying depression.
• Do you suspect your child is using some sort of medication or drugs? Ask him why he's so tired to see if there are any indications that he may be abusing a substance or alcohol.
• Excessive fatigue might also be a sign of a medical disorder, so if it continues he might need a visit to the doctor.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "My daughter sleeps until 2:00 p.m. when she's home from school. I know she probably needs the rest but I feel like it cuts into our time, and I resent her for it," says Marilyn, Mom of four.

Other Moms say:

• Set the alarm for 9:00 a.m. sharp!
• Plan family activities that start early.
• Tell her she can sleep late one day, but that you'd like to spend time with her on the other days.

Behavior

Q: My son is going though a bad time financially. Should I let him move back in with us?

A: They say a mother's work is never done, but when your empty nest becomes a boarding house, you can't help but wonder if there are limits to a mother's devotion.

The therapist says:
"As parents it is hard for us to watch our kids struggle financially. The option of opening your doors to him might seem like a quick fix to a dire situation. But without proper planning it could be financially and emotionally disastrous for both of you. It could make your son financially dependent upon you and dangerously drain your own finances. If you decide to let him move in, do so only with a formal agreement and an exit plan. Make a similar agreement if you decide to offer financial assistance instead. And, if you don't want your son to move back home or can't afford it, say no."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Making It Work:

• By offering limited assistance, you are throwing your son a life preserver. Make sure the terms are clear.
• Draw up a formal written plan. It should cover how long he will live with you and what goals he will meet - find a new job, pay off his debts -- in order for him to move out.
• If you are offering a loan, include the terms of the loan, payoff date, interest rate etc.
• Be clear at the outset that this is a one-time help with a finite timeline.
• Offer just enough assistance to make resolving financial problems possible, without creating financial dependence.

The short-term gain of this arrangement is that it will allow your child to pay off the bulk of his debt himself, giving him a sense of achievement and control. The long-term gain is your son learns financial responsibility and financial independence, lessons that will last him a lifetime.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "My son moved in with me after being on his own for four years. It was the worst. He was used to doing as he pleased without answering to anyone. I thought if he lived under my roof, what he was doing was indeed my business. It was war, and we were both miserable. Me trying to help him had the opposite effect," says Amy, Mom of one.

Other Moms say:

• Don't do it! My son moved in with us when he was 21 and he's still here at 28.
• When you bail your kid out, you rob him of the opportunity to rise to the occasion and land on his own two feet.
• I love having my daughter live with me. Maybe that makes me weird, but I really love having her around. It gives me a sense of purpose.

Q: Should I provide day care for my grandchild so my daughter can work fulltime?

A: Thought your mothering days were done? Think again. Becoming a grandmother could be your second act.

The therapist says:
"The decision to provide daycare for your granddaughter is a big commitment, but there are benefits, too. The continuity of care that you, as a loving grandmother, can provide would benefit your granddaughter and provide an opportunity for you to enjoy those precious moments of early development that are so fleeting. However, you need to make the decision based on your own desires and if it isn't something you want, don't feel obligated to oblige."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Ask Yourself:

• Is this how I pictured spending my older years?
• Am I happy to provide this service for my daughter or does it feel like a burden?
• Do I want to commit the hours necessary to provide care on a full time basis?
• If it still feels right to you, go for it!

What If It's Not What I Want?

• A Little Goes a Long Way: If full time feels like too much, but you are still interested in helping out, tell your daughter what you would be willing to do. Some help from you may be better than no help at all.
• Not the Job for Me: If providing daycare was not how you envisioned spending your later years, or something about it just doesn't feel right, resist the urge to help out. Your granddaughter will do just fine in a properly chosen daycare.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "I love babysitting my grandson. There is nothing in life that means more to me than this child, and I feel being able to spend this quality time with him is like the ultimate gift," says Joye, Mom of five.

Other Moms say:

• Don't do it. Why should you be a free babysitter?
• Follow your heart. It sounds like hell to me but my daughter's MIL loves watching the two grandkids. To each her own.
• What kind of person could say no?

Q: Credit card companies are targeting my daughter. How can I keep her from getting into debt?

A: Spending cash is far more fun than saving it; but as Moms, it's our job to teach our kids the truth about debt before it's too late.

The therapist says:
The best way to help your daughter avoid the pitfalls of credit cards is to educate her before she accepts a card. Teaching our children to save helps inoculate them against blind consumerism. Young consumers need to understand that purchasing an item on credit, when they do not have the money to pay for it, is not "Priceless." It can cost as much as 21% or more in charges and fees for as long as they carry the debt. Act before there is an issue. It is far easier to avoid a financial problem than it is to clean one up later. There is no time like the present to begin educating your child.
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Building Financial Sense:

• Help clarify the credit card terms and conditions for her
• Teach her to shop using cash
• Explain the difference between wanting something and needing something
• Explain to her that credit cards are for emergencies only
• Help her to recognize targeting ads, deceitful marketing, teaser rates and so forth

Mom•Logic Moms say: "Tell her to freeze her cards in a cup of ice. The time it takes to thaw out will let her really think about any spending decisions," says Pamela, Mom of three.

Other Moms say:

• I was one of those kids who'd max out a credit card in a day. I show my kids my bad credit report so they won't make the same mistakes I did.
• Check your kid's credit reports at least once a year to make sure they're not doing anything crazy financially.

Q: I've been a stay at home mom for years--how do I get back into the work force?

A: Switching from answering a toddler's questions to answering to a boss may seem overwhelming, but the skills you learned on the mom job will come in handy.

The therapist says:
"Returning to the workforce after working at home for years can seem like a daunting task, but try not to get discouraged or overwhelmed. It took a considerable amount of skill to keep your household up and running. Many of those skills will be transferable to the job market. Empower yourself by recognizing that you made a choice to stay home and raise your children and now you are making a choice to return to the market place. Your at-home work experience is as valid as someone's paid employment. You may, however, need to supplement your experience with some training."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Things to Consider:

• First consider the type of employment you want - are you interested in a career or a job?
• A job may offer more flexibility and the opportunity to balance your family priorities with your need or desire for employment.
• A career may be more demanding and require more dedication. It will also likely offer better pay.
• Research what preparation and/or training will be required to begin working in your new area of interest.
• Scour the Internet. It's is an excellent resource for everything from job training and resumes, to interviewing skills and job listings.
• Make a list of the skills you learned as a mom (multi-tasking, crisis management, leadership, etc.) It will help you feel confident that you're bringing something to a new workplace

Mom•Logic Moms say: "Call on all your connections. You met a million people through soccer and the PTA, right? Time to smile and dial," says April, Mom of one.

Other Moms say:

• Work part-time doing something you love. If you love art, get a job at a museum. Follow your passion.
• Go back to school. Not only will you learn a new skill or brush up an old one, you'll make new friends.

Q: How can I still stay in contact with my child and not turn into one of those "helicopter" parents?

A: It's a fine line between close and claustrophobic. But with a little help, Moms can walk it gracefully.

The therapist says:
"Very simply put, don't hover. Being a helicopter parent is more about how overly involved you are in your child's life than it is about staying touch. The trick is to respect your child's boundaries."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

Tips to Keeping a Safe Distance:

• Resist calling every time you have the urge.
• Keep in touch with your son on a regular basis, but not so regular that you know his class schedule, test grades, and what time he has to be at work. He is on his own now, so let him negotiate his own college career, relationships, etc.
• Offer help when requested, but even then leave the decision making up to him.
• Let your child experience those bumps in the road. It will help him develop the skills to overcome adversity.
• Be sure to keep in touch, so that when he really does need your help, you'll be right there for him.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "When your kid is your life, it's easy to focus 100 percent on your child. But now it's time for you to get a life, Mama!" says Aaliyah, Mom of two.

Other Moms say:

• Send care packages and emails rather than call incessantly. That way, they can open them when it's convenient for them, and you won't feel the sting of a brush-off.
• Spend more time with friends and your spouse or partner to fill the void left by your child's absence. Think about it: When's the last time you had Girls' Night Out? It's about time!

Q: Is it mean to turn my child's room into a home gym? She seems pretty annoyed by the idea.

A: To you, her room has become an oversized dust collector, for your daughter, it's still her childhood abode. There must be some way to meet in the middle.

The therapist says:
"It might be her old room to you, but to her, it is her room. While it is not mean to change the use of a room that was previously occupied by your daughter who is now grown and out of the house, it is probably unrealistic to expect her to be happy about it. After all, it was her room for quite a few years. That identification doesn't go away just because she has moved on. It may be uncomfortable and upsetting to imagine her mother's house without a place in it for her. It could feel like rejection. So should you keep it as it is? No. It is your house, your space, and while your daughter will always be welcome, you need a place to put the treadmill. Nothing personal, it's just a spatial issue."
--Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C, is a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy.

How to Ease the Pain:

• Though change is inevitable, it can sometimes be sad. It is often the way we handle it that makes all the difference.
• Talk to her and reassure her that she always has a place with you, and that she means as much to you now as ever.
• Create a new space for her that will be hers to use every time she comes to stay.
• Be sure to offer her the opportunity to take whatever is of sentimental value.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "Talk it out with her, then come to a group decision. There's nothing worse than springing on something like this on her with no warning. But you might be surprised: My daughter had no problem with me changing her room into a home theater room. In fact, she helped me pick out the theater seats!" Billie, Mom of three, says.

Other Moms say:

• Don't do it until she graduates college. That would just be rude!
• Once she's out of the house, what you do with the room is your business and nobody else's. Plus, if you redecorate, she'll have no excuse to move back in after she's graduated!

Q: Should I let my son's college girlfriend sleep over?

A: The time comes in every mother's life when you're confronted with your child's sex life. It's how you respond that sends the right message.

The expert says:
"If you mean in the same room, it really depends on your own comfort level because allowing your teen to share a room with his girlfriend will be translated (by him) as, 'It's okay for us to have sex at my parents' house.' But just know that most kids at 18 who ask for this privilege are expecting you to say, 'No,' and some will be actually relieved if you do."
--Sabrina Weill, is the editor-in-chief of Mom•Logic and the author of "The Real Truth about Teens and Sex" as well as "The Seventeen Guide to Sex and Your Body."

Tips for Enforcing Your Decision:

• Decide whether or not you're comfortable with your child having sex in your house and then be firm in your decision.
• Remember, it's okay to say "no." It's your house and you can decide where houseguests sleep.

Mom•Logic Moms say: "I told my son that there is no way he's sleeping in the same room with someone of the opposite sex under my roof until he's married. If he doesn't like it, he can stay at a hotel!" says Cheryl, Mom of two.

Other Moms say:

• I'd allow it in grad school, maybe. But as a freshman or sophomore? No way!
• What's the big deal? As long as they're in a committed relationship, I have no problem with it. I'd rather them be sleeping together in my house than in some backseat somewhere.